As most of my friends and family know, I rarely get embarrassed about anything. It’s good and bad because sometimes I embarrass other people, i.e., my family and friends, by saying something they find embarrassing and that’s awkward for them. Then I feel bad that I made someone feel awkward and I want to say, “Just don’t be embarrassed! You have to laugh. It’s easy.”
Especially when I blog, lots of times I run ideas by Kevin because he’s very easily mortified by me and our children so he’s a good judge of what to put out there and what I shouldn’t put out there.
(If Kevin wasn’t so adorable when he blushes, I’d probably get less of a kick out of doing it over and over.)
Anyway, this morning started off the same as most mornings. We were running a tad bit behind. I dropped off Colman, Liam and then Rowan in that order. Rowan is the longest drop-off because I have to walk him into school and he has to stop by and say “Hello” and give hugs and kisses to all the previous teachers he’s had before. Thank God he’s in pre-K, otherwise I’d never get to work on time.
We finally made it upstairs to Rowan’s room. Rowan was excitedly talking about the hat he made yesterday that he was going to get to wear in chapel and the fact that it was Friday, which means he gets to go to Soccer Shots. I signed him in, then he signed himself in, and I placed his lunchbox in his cubby. Then we washed his hands and we went through the whole kiss-hug routine as we normally do which takes way longer than I think it probably should, but I just go with it.
Then Rowan says, “Mommy, you blow me?”
“Excuse me?” I asked, caught a little off guard by his request.
“You blow me. Blow my belly,” he said, lifting up his shirt and exposing his little pot belly.
Much to my relief, I realized he wanted me to blow raspberries on his stomach or as Bill Cosby termed them, “Zirbits.” Rowan loves, loves, loves to be tickled.
“No, baby. I’m not going to do that right now. I’ll see you later. Okay?”
As I started to walk down the hall, Rowan yells after me, “Okay, Mommy. But you’re going to blow me tonight, right?”
Why couldn’t I have a four-year-old whose speech is impossible to understand?
I just turned and gave him a smile, “Yeah, maybe,” I said, ignoring the odd looks from the few other parents standing in the hallway.
But I may be tired. Or have a headache.
Let’s just say the timing is unfortunate since Rowan’s teacher pulled me aside yesterday and said Rowan was pulling on his privates quite a lot yesterday and the day before.
“Um, yeah, he’s a little boy and that’s just what little boys do. He probably needed to go potty.”
“Well, we asked him and he said he didn’t need to go,” she said.
“In my experience they always say they don’t need to go, but I’ll ask him about it.”
Then I wanted to add, It’s called a wenis. Because how else do you get a word in the dictionary unless you make it a little more mainstream?
By the way, I didn’t run this blog by Kevin because I didn’t feel the need. Half of San Antonio had already heard it due to Rowan yelling to me down the hallway.
Kids! Agh. What’s the most embarrassing thing your kids have said or done? I’m giving away a $25 Amazon gift card, so leave a comment in the “Comments” section of this blog and you’ll be entered to win. I’ll use random.org to choose the winner, and let you know by Wednesday of next week. 🙂
Owen pulled my pants down during one of his temper tantrums in public!!
Lily was learning her sounds, and when we got to the “s” sound I said, “What things start with the “sssss” sound?” She thought hard, then said, “Shit, shitty, shitter, shits, shitly…” the list went on with every variation that you can think of…and a few you’ve never thought of!
Not angling for a gift card here, but for an alternate definition of “wenis.”
Definition 2: Puerto Rican pronunciation of the English word “witness” by certain judges. As in, “eState, do you have your wenis available?”
Ask Laura; she can verify this important alternate definition.
This is just too funny. I had to share it with my daughter who has a very vocal 7-year-old, and she laughed as well. Kids say and do the darnedest things. I had girls, so they were pretty tame in comparison to the stories I hear about little boys, and I have heard some cute ones from friends and relatives. You, Ms Heather, should be unflappable. After all, are the daughter of Wendell L Maloy!!!! 🙂
Mighty useful. Make no mistake, I apertciape it.
When Arielle was about 3, she wanted to take a bath with me one particular evening and I told her no. She was insistent so I finally told her I could not take a bath with her and I needed to shower instead because I was on my period. The next day when I picked her up from school, the teacher asked to speak with me privately and said, “Today in class one of Arielle’s friends (this was a male friend) was trying to get Arielle to play with him and Arielle said”, “Don’t touch me, I am on my period”! She was very concerned that the little boy would go home and tell his mother that his friend was on her period and that it would cause problems. She was very unhappy about it. I thought it was hilarious and it was hard to contain myself. It was embarrassing mostly because the teacher was so ashamed of Arielle for doing it.
i loved this post my daughters always say something to embarrass me. One time in particular was when I was in the dressing room with my oldest daughter trying on a dress, when i took my pants off she loudly yelled “mommy why do your panties go in your butt??” How do you explain different types of panties to a 5 year old? 🙂
My almost 2 year old son often points to my butt and annouces ‘poop!’ very loudly. In public… 🙂
You are so funny, Heather. I love this blog.
I love reading your blogs….they make me laugh out loud.
I may have one up on you, but probably not…lol.
When my little girl was in Kindergarten, her teacher and I were social friends too.
One beautiful day I invited her over to layout in our pool while my little girl swam. We had a beach entry pool and could lay in pool and have a bird’s eye view of my little ray of..ahem..”sunshine” swimming.
As we lay there soaking up the sun, my daughter pops her head up from a record of holding her breath and realizing we were not paying close enough attention to her(the engaging kind of attention…the kind you answer yes when it should have been no and no when it should have been yes…a lot of mmhmm’s..very good) you know what I’m talking about!
So she plotting and scheming the entire time, no doubt, and pops up and says, “my daddy has a girlfriend and it’s not my mommy”!
First thought: Did I dodge a bullet or is teacher being nice? Dear God please, please, have let those dogs barking drown out my brat’s chirping!
A minute goes by and sure enough…she has my full attention(both of ours because we are both sitting up at this point…(yeah she heard) and she says, “yeah my daddy cheated on my mommy and my mommy is sad”! Here we go!! I go to tell the whoever’s kid that is (I was not about to claim her if it came down to it) to “Zip It”! .. But she is 5 ft under(another foot would have made 6ft…just saying(and kidding)!
Teacher to mortified mom/friend:
“I had no idea, are you ok…what’s going on…what is she talking about”?
First things first…my then husband took it upon himself to cleanse his soul to a kindergartener(because I guess someone with more influence than myself determined that was a GOOD IDEA)! I have way too many choice words for that person…so I’ll move along with real story!
I assure teacher I’m fine and it’s a misunderstanding and we’ll talk later, not in front of whoever’s kid that was saying those terrible things!
But wait..there’s more(there always is with her) my child throws in a bonus for us:
“My daddy beat up a man and the police came and daddy has to go to the place where the jail is”!
I jump up(trying to decide if I want to drown her and end my misery now…(you’d be surprised at how many years flash by in your head in a moment like that…especially teenage years, High School, Frat Parties, etc.) or pull her out and tell her we don’t talk about private things like that to anyone but mommy and daddy. She is 20 now, so I obviously opted for the talk.
She simply says…”ok, watch me..I’m a mermaid”! Yeah… Here let me toss in a silver fork in the deep end next time my little mermaid, I hear they like shiny things!
Embarrassed and knowing my private life will be the talk of the town by Monday…. I start to explain a few things:
Daddy and I were in the mall holding onto my mermaid’s arms with her in between doing the 1,2,3 weeeee game when this 7′ giant mows her over with a tall HOT Latte. He rudely walked in between us and never saw my swinging child between our arms. Not only was he not looking, he spilt his VERY HOT drink all over his and my daughter’s white linen suit(ok..her dress was kaki linen with white socks). He demanded we pay for his cheap knockoff Armani suit that was “over 5k). To get him away from me… I asked my ex to give him $$ for dry cleaning. He was greatly offended and the next thing I know my ex was on the ground and this guy was on top of him two stories high above skating rink at the mall.
The mall police were there before guy COULD toss my ex over. My disappointment was swiftly cured when I see my little girl’s 5” foot go up the guys butt and declare “Get off my daddy”! I’m only teasing about wanting my ex tossed over….lol. Citations were issued, court date set, we show up, he didn’t, dismissed and I thought the end of story until that day!
So…. My child’s teacher says…”that’s nothing…a little boy in her class the previous day had on new clothes and she complimented him on his stylish new duds”…”little boy says, “my mommy bought it last night, she always buys me things when she drinks, especially when she drinks ALOT, I new clothes for the whole week”!
Whew…. I escaped the rest of the “mermaid announcements” that day informed my child that mermaids don’t talk unless they are hurt. She seemed to go for it, but I didn’t let my guard down in case she decided she wanted to be a shark next!
But the best story of all was when my best friends little sister took a real feminine douche( thought I’d be specific on douche because I had not met my ex until after High School)to her show and tell Kindergarten class. Imagine being THAT mom getting THAT call at work!!!
This was in the 70’s…so it was common, as they didn’t have disposable ones then. Needless to say… It was well hidden after that, if not tossed!
So friends…keep your private things locked up and kids too when having adult conversations…they tell their teachers EVERYTHING!
Wish I had time for the “mommy dot story”, but my hands are tired!
Please take no offense to calling my 20 year old a brat when she was in Kindergarten, As it still holds true to this very day that she is a certified BRAT that I love dearly!
Seriously. SO funny. Thanks for the laugh. I had tears in my eyes I was laughing so hard reading this, especially since I saw you dropping him off this morning and can just picture this in my head. This was just what I needed after a hard day at work!
I am not easily embarrassed and until this happened, I thought I was unable to be embarrassed.
A new Babar yoga book was being introduced at Miss Anastasia’s Twig book store when it was still on Broadway. She had yoga mats and stuffed animal friends for all of the children. My son was about two years old. The yoga instructor was instructing the children: “If you were a king and had a crown, on which part of your body would it go?” All the children say “head!”
Yoga instructor: “When I say touch your crown, touch your head. If you had a tail where would it be?”
My child (loud and clear): “I don’t have a tail, I have a penis!”
I flushed bright red and we left as quickly as I could.
Oh, Heather, that’s hilarious! Sounds Just like our Rowan!!!
OMG this is hysterical!
We live in a small predominantly white town. Our oldest was 2 when we moved here from Chicago so he has no real memories of living in an ethnically diverse city.
When he was 4 years old he got very possessive of our times in grocery stores and was always asking why other people we in the store as well.
One day we happened to be the only people in an aisle with a tall and very dark African-American male. Of course my 4 year old very loudly proclaimed, “What is HE doing here?” much to my embarrassement and I wanted to disappear so much at that moment.
Your posts are on the edge of insanity. You are pushing a boundary. I guess that’s why you have Crazy as your name. People have called me Crazy Traci several, okay more than several times, when I step out of THEIR comfort zone. It is so funny what kids do and my kids have said super shocking things so I could totally relate to the embarrassment. I sometimes wonder about embarrassment and what emotion makes it. I think its fear. People feel afraid all the time to take a step out of their comfort zone. I’m so glad you shared this. In love and light, Traci
Life is too short to be unhappy. Everyday is a gift. That’s why it’s called the present.
Okay. I can’t think of any embarrassing moment that could possibly top your hilarious story. But, since my kids are driving me INSANE, I thought I’d share a few highlights from my day. Not embarrassing moments; more like pull-my-hair-out moments.
– Son #2 poured an entire cup of water over Son #1’s head INSIDE MY CAR while I ran into the store for a minute.
– “Somebody” (nobody would ‘fess up to this one) left the front door open and our escapist dog had a joy run.
– I ran into the bathroom where #2 was emitting blood-curdling screams, only to find #1 playing with matches.
– #2 emptied his cowboy boots full of sand (he was wearing them without socks today) into the aforementioned car.
– I gave my keys to #2 so that #1 and #2 could vacuum and dry said car (my idea, not theirs). Never got the keys back.
– #1 pocket-dialed 911 while mowing the lawn.
I’d like to remind you that I am only describing TODAY. How many years until they are 18 again?
Gotta love what kids say. One of my sister’s teachers told our parents, “I won’t believe all the things they say about you if you don’t believe all the things they say about me”.
Hi, Mary Kate. You’re the winner of the Amazon gift card. Can you email me at firstname.lastname@example.org your address (email is fine) so I can send the gift card. 🙂